Yesterday I read an article about 'rushing woman syndrome' and think maybe I have far too many of the symptoms - shallow breathing, insomnia, covered in bruises from bumping into things, constant guilt ... It didn't help me though as I live with the constant stress of trying to keep everyone happy and rarely succeeding.
I spent the afternoon looking after mum 78, suffering from Alzheimer's and rarely moving from her chair. A few hours also saw me with the light of my life my grandson Tommy who is a 6 month old bundle of energy and joy, as well as trying to produce 300 tags go take to Kenya in 2 weeks time!
All was going well mum was responsive and actually put her arms out to hold Tommy at one point. It did however deteriorate when Adam ( my son) arrived and she didn't know who he was. She then panicked and said ' I don't know how I'm going to get home, my husband doesn't know I'm here' - plunged back into despair, she didn't know where she was and obviously didn't know who I was either. ' have you seen Jim at all?' Confirmed that for me - I sat on the floor making tags whilst she just stared at me. You have to shut down your feelings otherwise the panic is overwhelming. Mum can no longer have a bath at hone even with 2 carers and bath aids, she has to go to the local care home. She is going into respite on a regular basis and I worry that she is no longer safe at home.
It feels strange to watch someone so close to you deteriorate on an almost daily basis, you have to become thick skinned and resilient, take the glimmers of hope when offered and avoid thinking too deeply as it just hurts x