You know you are a grandma when ...

1. The muted palette of colours that adorn your once calm home - the creams and shades of coffee that you worked hard to coordinate - are joined by lime green travel cots and bright red walkers.

2. You realise that whilst black is  a good colour for a woman of your age - very forgiving and covers a multitude of sins - it shows every bit of rusk, banana and regurgitated milk.

3. You remember how amazing it is to snuggle a warm little body and read 'Dear Zoo' for the nth time. Nothing changes.

4. The new Thomas the tank engine and Postman Pat DVDs fill you with horror. Postman Pat as a clone who appears on x Factor and is horrible to everyone in the village - I don't think so!

5. You replace the photo of your son in your purse with one of your grandson.

6. You open your 'posh' leather handbag to reveal a nappy, a dummy and yet another copy of 'Dear Zoo'.

7. Your son realises that actually you weren't that bad a mum and asks for your advice on everything from washing temperatures to car seats.

8. On learning that there is going to be a grandchild number 2 your heart leaps with joy and the thought of a double buggy no longer holds any fear.

9. You at last have a 'willing' or ready model who at the age of 9 months knows to smile at Grandma's camera.

10. You understand that nothing can compare with a beautiful child beaming because you are there and holding out his arms to be loved.

Thank you to my son and daughter in law for letting me share 'our Tommy' at times of difficulty with mum in a dementia care  home there have been times when his smile has been the one thing that has kept me going x

Dementia diaries Feb 2015

Yesterday I read an article about 'rushing woman syndrome' and think maybe I have far too many of the symptoms - shallow breathing, insomnia, covered in bruises from bumping into things, constant guilt ... It didn't help me though as I live with the constant stress of trying to keep everyone happy and rarely succeeding.
I spent the afternoon looking after mum 78, suffering from Alzheimer's and rarely moving from her chair. A few hours also saw me with the light of my life my grandson Tommy who is a 6 month old bundle of energy and joy, as well as trying to produce 300 tags go take to Kenya in 2 weeks time!
All was going well mum was responsive and actually put her arms out to hold Tommy at one point. It did however deteriorate when Adam ( my son) arrived and she didn't know who he was. She then panicked and said ' I don't know how I'm going to get home, my husband doesn't know I'm here' - plunged back into despair, she didn't know where she was and obviously didn't know who I was either. ' have you seen Jim at all?' Confirmed that for me - I sat on the floor making tags whilst she just stared at me. You have to shut down your feelings otherwise the panic is overwhelming. Mum can no longer have a bath at hone even with 2 carers and bath aids, she has to go to the local care home. She is going into respite on a regular basis and I worry that she is no longer safe at home.
It feels strange to watch someone so close to you deteriorate on an almost daily basis, you have to become thick skinned and resilient, take the glimmers of hope when offered and avoid thinking too deeply as it just hurts x